Home Away from Home

2004-03-03T19:05:00.000-08:00

for everyone who thinks that this is still my blog i have a different one at ungoandbungo.blogspot.com so check THAT because THIS one is NEVER UPDATED. ok just clearing things up. peaceout.

2003-09-11T17:45:00.000-07:00

9/11/2001:in memoriam

It's been 2 long years since those bastards destroyed a landmark, and for me this is one sad day as well.

Today: I went to these places i love for the last time
Costco
King's
Bed, Bath, and Beyond (a recent acquaintance, but important nonetheless)
Family Fun Arcade
Ricky's House (good times, good times.)

And today, this is the last time i blog on this blog.

savor the moment my friends, SAVOR IT.

later.

2003-09-10T17:19:00.000-07:00

pretty much everything has been packed into boxes, and now my room doesn't look much different. i guess you could say i'm leaving stuff here so i can come back to it. It's kind of ironic that i named my blog "home away from home" especially since i'm actually leaving now, going to a place that hopefully will feel like a home away from home. but here is where i live anyway. i'll be back. even after i graduate, i want to live in california, maybe not so cal, maybe not northridge, but in california. i love this place. i guess i'll be seeing everyone on friday then. thanks steve and rick for coming over and chillin today, got a lot of stuff done because of you guys. you being lazy makes me remember that i can't be lazy. so that was good. i hope you guys have a good time after i leave. i'll miss all you guys a bunch.

sharon
hanna
ricky
steve
molly
brian SKARIN

see you guys.

later.

2003-09-09T19:02:00.000-07:00

yea so i'm finding it extremely depressing that i'm packing for school today and the rest of this week. i mean. facing all this cap about going away when i didn't have the chance to do what i wanted with all of my friends just bums me out. but making plans for the future makes me happy. i'm coming back. and i ain't telling my parents about it. and i'm chillin at other peoples houses, and my parents won't know about it. oh god. it's just like the feeling of ditching school all over again. i love it. -.-

Anyway, i think i have most of my stuff i need, now i just gotta stuff all of this crap into boxes. i move in saturday morning, the halls open up early so i'll probably leaving home earlier. probably around sunrise. :D
I'm gonna miss my room like hell. and i'll miss people around here too yada yada yada.

later.

2003-09-09T14:58:00.000-07:00

"...This man seems to me to be the victim of a small-minded and possessive mother. Here she is, still coming to speak for him; earlier in his life when he was defenceless and entirely dependent upon her, she had prevented him from developing according to his own aspirations. She had been left a widow with this only child, and lived always in fear of losing her one remaining treasure. She had kept him constantly under her protection; she refused him everything that contained the slightest element of risk; she chose his profession with only one thought in her mind; that of ensuring his security."

-P.T.

I'm saving this book for college. i don't intend on finishing it anytime soon, nor do i intend to resell it after i'm finished with it. I'll probably spend most of today just packing the things i'm not using right now, the clothes i'm not wearing, and anything that can't be packed in 5-10 minutes. i'm looking forward to friday night. and morning, of course.

lata.

2003-09-08T22:05:00.000-07:00

BLOGGING:begun @ 9:49:00

Molly:I'm just gonna be a trophy wife. i hate school.

Who's lazy now? :D

What would i give to waive 4 years of college:
one of my left toes
my left pinky
a patch of hair (be permanently bald in one spot)
a kidney
a "centimeter" of my heart
one of my shins
my right ear
1/4 of my "true love"
all of my left toenails
the tip of my tongue (a lisp)
all the cartilage in my nose
my left thumb
BOTH of my breasts (pepe and jacque)
my ability to taste shrimp
give up JAG for MONDAY nights every week for the rest of my life

why don't you make a list?

lata.

Sum 41 - Hell Song

2003-09-07T17:24:00.000-07:00

BLOGGING:begun @ 5:09:25

So i'm leaving in less than a week. by this tim on saturday i'll be in scenic San Luis Obispo along with a few thousand other people, including andrew gardikas, my roommate. we'll see how that goes. today was actually my last sunday at church, and i must regret to say that i didn't stay for the entire day. i guess i was too tired, too swamped to think about the fact that that will be the last time in a long time i will go to church dressed up, as a regular, that early in the morning. It'll be the last time i see all my church people dressed up too. and i guess in a way, that's a frightening thought. but also, it's comforting, because on sundays at church is always the time when we feel the least like ourselves. at least i do. but i know most of you guys don't, so boo-hoo on me. i guess i'm a little upset about leaving, but i'm more excited than i am upset, so i'm looking forward to it. knowing that i'll be gone ina few days isn't exactly thrilling, but it's exciting, and a little unnerving. so this will probably be the end of my "oh i'm going to college so be sure to miss me and remind me to tell you how much i'll miss you" posts. another chapter of my life begins to unfold...

How cheesy is that.

lata.

2003-09-06T00:47:00.000-07:00

"...Sancho Panza has in fact the advantage over you and me of being a finished product. He is all taht Cervantes has said of him, but nothing more. I, on the other hand, can speak endlessly of myself, to myself or to someone else, without ever succeeding in giving a complete and truthful picture of myself. There remains in every man, even for himself, something of impenetrable mystery."

-Paul Tournier

I think i've found my hero.

lata.

2003-09-04T17:48:00.000-07:00

My hopes are so high

Sometimes when you're sitting all alone in your room you feel like anything could happen, and the world wouldn't feel a thing. you feel the insignficance of your own life, but the significance of your actions. to think that you can do whatever you want, because it won't make a difference.

that your kiss might kill me

And sometimes, when you're in a room full of people you know, you feel the same way. Because you know these people will accept whatever you do as you. And that's a comforting thought. AT least for the time being.

So won't you kill me?

Then again, you feel the pressue of perfection, of needing to be #1, of needing the recognition you know you so richly deserve. And then it hits you, there is someone who is already perfect, and that's what i'm looking for.

So I'd die happy

but you're still looking, still looking for that perfect person, the person you want to be with, not the person you want to be. you want to be perfect so that perfect person will want to be with you. but being perfect isn't always about saying the right words, looking the right looks, and doing the right things. it's really all about timing. and a little bit of luck.

Do what you want if that's what you wish
I can't be a part unto this
You have the sense that you were born with
You find a way to make things right

I guess that all you've got
is all you're gonna get
So much for, So much more

lata.

2003-09-03T23:11:00.000-07:00

BLOGGING:begun @ 11:06:40
feeling exceptionally lonely today. why? who knows. lately i've been feeling penned in on all sides. but i'll break out. i'll either hop the fence or ditch the meals. it seems like existence revolves around the important things in life, not the everyday. but that's wrong. it should revolve around the everyday, because without the everyday, nothing would be important. not to say that important things aren't worth their weight in gold, because i guarantee you, some are, it's just that somehow life always seems to point you in the direction you've already come, and you face the same problems without remembering how you got out. and you find a new way out, feel relieved and discover that you've got to make it back to where you thought you were moving forward again. but with something new. so is life really just a straight line? i think not. life is like playing monopoly. you go around once, buy all the things you think you need, cross "go" again, get some more cash, and end up mortgaging half your property because you did everything wrong. then you keep going in circles, and the game never ends until someone, only one, owns every piece of land on the board. each time you make it around, you learn a little, earn a little, and lose a whole lot. people wonder why monopoly is a classic. but its the truth, some of us start with park place and end with only the B&O railroad. others, start w/ marvin ave. and end up owning the world. it might be just luck too, because once in awhile, free parking will come by and save your poor ass.

time to write.

first published 12.11.2002

lata.

2003-09-02T17:51:00.000-07:00

BLOGGING:begun @ 5:23:50

MY MOTHER CONTINUES TO EAT AWAY AT MY LIVELIHOOD.
And i have a hard time understanding it. of course every person needs to be tested, trialed at one time or another, but this often? this much? at such a time as this (summer)? it's quite cruel, if you ask me. but i'm not the one who really decides anyways. it's her. and that's what relaly digs into my skull. it's the idea that i don't get to control what i'm doing with my time, even if it's just wasting time. it's the idea that "suggestion" becomes "command" becomes "truth". it's the idea that i still have to bow down and respect my mother even when she fails to understand that nature of respect. It is not "worship" nor "reverence". it is not "omnipotence" nor "omnipresence". it is simple, human, respect. For an idea, a word, an opinion, even a breath of fresh air. it is what we are entitled to, that single thing which we may, in the end the only thing we may deserve. a chance to say, "i think..." and have other people say, "that's all good and well but i simply don't agree with you, and will continue to do things whichever way I please." and have all people be alright with it. disagreements are inevitable. but bloodshed and grumpiness, grudges and animosity, all these things are avoidable. if only. if only i could have the same respect i give to my mother. if only she could give me the chance to talk to her like she talks to me. BUT THAT WON'T HAPPEN BECAUSE I'M JUST A KID AND SHE'S MY MOTHER. and that's her job. and this is my job. so is the field ever level? nah. will there be a time when we will stand eye-to eye? nah. but there will be a day when i will both kiss, and spit on her grave.

lata.

2003-09-01T17:55:00.000-07:00

BLOGGING:begun @ 5:45:45

Rapid Hope Loss

Do what you must if that's what you wish
I can't be a product to this
You have the sense that you were born with
You find a way to make things right

I guess that all you've got
Is all you're gonna get
So much for, So much more
I guess that all you've got
Is all you're gonna get
So much for, So much more...

-Dashboard Confessional.

SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: you like it?
JiNR0HRoH: yeah
JiNR0HRoH: i saw kiki at the beach
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: hahaha
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: man
JiNR0HRoH: and she was like hey are you that guy
JiNR0HRoH: i was like WATEVER.

JiNR0HRoH: i found the LA BAMBA song
JiNR0HRoH: FINALLY
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: haha
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: grrreat
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: isn't it called la bamba
JiNR0HRoH: yeah

I know school starts for alot of you tomorrow. poor poor bastards. :) i'll be rootin' for you young'ns all the way. I'll check back later. i don't feel much like writing right now.

lata.

2003-08-30T22:19:00.000-07:00

BLOGGING:begun @ 9:17:20

Summer really is going...away.

I have two weeks left before school starts. two weeks! it's really unbelievable. I guess i've got a lot of packing, and transitioning,. and decidng to do during these two weeks. i'm a little nervous, but mostly, things are good. I'm looking forward to it. i haven't even talked to my roommate yet. so i dunno what's up with that. i'm probably gonna bring nothing but the essentials, beacuse i'm sure my mom won't let me bring much else. so i'll just stock my computer with all the unnecessary stuff before i go. It's kind of scary thinking about it though. i really am leaving this place, for awhile at least. I'm not leaving it behind, just leaving for awhile to get my bearings, make something of myself. and be able to come back to a place where all that's already been done for me. just for a break.

It's exciting to think that i'm going to be switching around majors, doing what i want to do, and pursuing interests and people that are like me, and that appeal to me. it's exciting to think that i won't be restricted by anyone but myself, and that i will be able to set my own goals, and discover my limits, because there isn't anyone else to tell me i can't. It's exciting to know i'll be meeting new people, seeing new faces, and getting used to them. It's exciting to know that there will be people back home that will miss me, and that whenever i get online someone will be there to remind me to come back soon.

She said, "I've gotta be honest
you're wastin' your time if you're fishin 'round here."
I said, "You must be mistaken
I'm not foolin', this feeling is real."

She said, "You've gotta be crazy
What do you take me for, some kind of easy muck?
You've got wits
You've got looks
You've got passion
But I swear that you've got me all wrong..."

all wrong...

lata.

P.S. I said, "I've gotta be honest, I've been waiting for you all of my life..."

2003-08-28T16:12:00.000-07:00

BLOGGING:begun @ 4:01:35

Never pass up an offer for free dim sum.

Sometimes when i'm sitting at home doing absolutely nothing, and my mother make me do something, like go out and eat, i get really miffed. Then i wonder, why the hell would i be mad? i'm not doing anything anyway, and i'm getting free food. so what the hell, might as well, right? yeah, and it always turns out okay. but the more i think about it, i really won't be able to spend that much time with my parents anymore. i'm not going to have the opportunity to get pissed off at my mom for making me do stupid stuff, i won't have the opportunity to do stuff i think is really, because i'll be the one telling me to do it (And usually i try not to make myself to stupid stuff). I won't get to hear my parents argue everyday, i won't get to wonder why their asking me to stop doing absolutely nothing just so i can sit outside and let them try to make me talk about absolutely nothing. I won't get to hear my mom yelling in chinese anymore, or do errands that require her to pay for everything. I won't hear her get really loud when she starts talking in cantonese, because she loves to do it when she can, and the way my dad looks when he realizes HE's the cantonese one, but he can't speak a word. And i won't have the chance get annoyed at my mom for being irrational, naggy, or pushy. and these are all the things i'm probably going to miss.

So i guess i should be happy, feel pretty lucky, that i'm getting this chance to spend a summer with my parents, alone, since my brothers are gone. a chance to be able to do every single chore in the house to run every errand, and to be constantly told to do more and be less lazy. there really is no one else to pick up the slack now. and i'm the big man on campus. even all my parents friends recognize the fact that i'm the only one my parents can boss around the house, and i'm the only one staying in the state, and i'm the only one who actually thinks of coming back home and enjoying them, and the house. So i'll be happier when i'm gone. But i'll be happiest whenever i get back.

Lata.

2003-08-27T23:30:00.000-07:00

BLOGGING:begun @ 11:11:25

It's hard to talk about the goodness of Tao to a person who is blinded by these 4 shortcomings.

"Why do you keep trying to fit in, when you were born to stand out?" - Ian

It's really sad when your parents are arguing and you have no idea what they're arguing about. Especially me, who's hoping to be something of counselor who helps people like that. I dont' even know. but it looks better to me every day. Even though it might take a helluva(?) lot more work than i thought. i wish i could just leave my hous,e and find a psychiatrist, and take some of his patients, and do relaly well, then i wouldn't have to go through all this schooling crap without enough resources. it's not that i mind doing the work, it's just that, i feel the burden of it everyday. the loans, from the bank AND my parents, the money is just such a big factor...god why couldn't i just have gotten a scholarship. fuck me for being so lazy in high school. hope i'll be able to make up for it each year. i really need it.

MY schedule as of now is:

monday: Theatre 210 10a-12p Math 141 1p-2p CPE (comp sci.) 101 3p-5p
tuesday: Math 141 1p-2p SCOM (speech stuff) 101 2p-4p
wed.: same as monday
thurs.: same as tues.
friday: CPE 101 3p-5p

SO, the days i get back, if i come back, will be on saturdays. like saturday afternoon most likely. I really want it to count. this chance i'm getting, the college thing. I want to deserve it, and i know i'm getting it, but i know i dont' deserve it, even if i am getting it. I'm going to. desreve it that is. i've decided.

I always wanted to a be a pioneer. you know, like one of those people that go into great expanses of uncharted areas, and make as many mistakes as they want, because it's the firs ttime anybody's ever done it. and even if they do it poorly, the next person to come by and do a little better won't get as much recognition as the first person who did it. i want to be that first person. I want to be able to do everyhting without knowing what wil happen next. i want to jump into something and take the hits as they come. i want to be STUCK in situations that make me use all my wits just to get by. I don't want to be a superhero, i just want to know what it feels like to become one. That's why batman is so great.

Lata.

P.S. >O.O< BYAKUGAN!

2003-08-26T21:39:00.000-07:00

BLOGGING:begun @ 9:33:35

Not much happened today. Not much to say either. except maybe that i hope i'm half as witty as this old man when i'm 71. But the way things are going i may not make it to 60.

I found out that the minimum number of schooling years required for psychiatry is 13. Thirteen more years of my life before i get to start working in the real world. I guess it's almost like delaying the inevitable. But unfortunately i may have to start worrying about getting into a good medical school. taking the MCAT and sustaining a good 3.7-4.0 GPA for 3 years may give a good chance, despite the fact that i'm at a Cal State. Maybe i might even transfer, or maybe i'll just go all the way with a psych Ph.D, if that happens. I guess the only time i'll be doing very little study is going to be my first QUARTER, because the rest of my summers and quarers wil be in preparation for med school as well as maintaining a nice gpa in my major, which i am hoping to switch to psychology. Stress creeps up again. regardless, i'll box it off as easily as i box off my own shadow.

As of now, i'm pretty knocked out. maybe i'l post later tonight, but i doubt it.

lata.

2003-08-25T22:57:00.000-07:00

BLOGGING: begun @ 10:29:05

Just call me The Shadow Boxer.

I often come across things that make me want to blog, which is why i have a lot of long posts, and sometimes more than once a day. With so much free time i don't really have an excuse...i can't really say i'm "making time" to blog. i just blog whenever i feel the need to write. Like today anyway. i'm blogging twice. and i'm thinking, this one will probably be just as long as the last. But what will it be about? i can't really say. I geuss you could say this is the boredom taking over.

I think it was a good idea to change the template for my blog anyway, the old one had really really teeny tiny font and my eyes were straining way too hard. despite the fact that this one doesn't have a cool sculpture, it does have a sidebar and i edited it with some advice from "the man". I've been reading a lot of other people's blogs too. realizeing how lucky they really are. and how much they really deserve it. :) BEcause people with hard lives deserve good backup, and the best of backup comes from the heart of people who fail to understand yet always try their best, in their own way. Not the fawning, pretentious, obsequious, friends that cater to their every whim, but the people who are original, genuine, and even a little sappy. that's what i call "substance," once in awhile.

BEsides, drama makes life dramatic, as the saying goes. A song has struck me:

And there's never any place
For someone like me
To be totally happy
I'm running out of clock
And that ain't a shock
Some things never do change
Never do change

Finding out a headliner (i.e. Something Corporate) is playing at your welcome week really makes you listen to different music, especially the music that that band plays. (C) isn't half bad, but their style is different from alot of white music. i must say i like it. Speaking of welcome week, it isn't too far away. and that means college is coming too. damn. every single one of my posts has something to do with college...and rightfully so, since it's so close. am i being redundant...?

That's probably my cue. I'll be on to comment on anything anyone decides to comment on. if you comment. you bastards. ()-.-()

lata.

2003-08-25T14:45:00.000-07:00

BLOGGING:begun @ 2:35:00

I'm thinking of changing my major. Really. my major right now is pretty bland and uninteresting, it also constantly changes, and has no real job security. My major right now is Computer Science. I'm definitely thinking of changing it. I've been thinking alot about psychology as a major. Psychology and Child Development. and after getitng some Biology background, maybe even a psychiatric degree. I know what most of you are thinking...i'm a lazy bum and getting an MD to become a psychiatrist probably won't happen. that's a possibility. but it's also possible that i might actually ENJOY doing something like psychology. I mean, reading people's minds has been everyone's dream at some point in time, and i'm just choosing to try and pursue it. I like reading minds anyway. and i think, after 4 years of high school, i'm not half-bad at getting the jist of what people really aren't able to say. Thanks for the support you guys, everyone who always tried to ask me for advice, and tried to talk to me about their problems. i just hope i helped you get through it. and that's what i think a psychologist/chiatrist should aim to do. Not to mention make a little $$ on the side. :)

I'm too nice anyway. i'd feel pretty bad charging people by the hour for something i just enjoy doing. but i think i'd have to be ruthless when it came to that kind of stuff, psychologists in the movies always are. So as things go, i may get a Physical Therapy (masseuse) minor and then a BS-MS in Psychology and then start on my doctorate after going through 3 years of predocotoral clinical psychology, and then try for an MD so i can be a psychiatrist. i'm thinking i'll start working when i'm about 35? :D I guess you could say that ain't not bad as lazy bums go.

lata.

P.S. I'm feeling better about summer coming to an end, and i should probably call my roomate-to-be soon. i feel so young (and ignorant) again.

2003-08-24T21:59:00.000-07:00

BLOGGING: begun @ 9:50:20

Welcome back guys. i'm sure korea wasn't as bad as you thought it would be. hahaha.

There are only a few weeks left, 2 and a half about. after these weeks pass, i'm hoping the rest of high school iwll too. there are too many lingering memories that i don't want, and so many that i'm glad i have. But the more i remember, the more i think about the days we had, they were the best days. those were the good days. and i know more will come, it seems now that good times have yet to become better. College will be a great thing. a chance to start over, a chance to do it right. a chance to not make the same mistakes i already have. because eventually, i will finally get it right.

There is a big part of me that doesn't want to have any more regrets this summer, and so far, i haven't. and i'm happy. but there is another part of me that keeps telling me shouldn't let this last summer go to waste. that this will be the last time, that my path will never cross yours again. and i can still live, and i can still be happy, and still be who i am, and still...continue to change.

lata.

2003-08-24T19:32:00.000-07:00

current status: on a full stomach

i feel fat.

lata.

2003-08-24T15:07:00.000-07:00

BLOGGING: began @ 2:50:30

Being a loser scores lots of points with your parents friends. "You don't go out on sunday afternoons? what a good boy!" yaeeeah. i feel pretty good. BEsides that, my parents' friends are pretty funny and nice, so i guess it evens out. Anyway....

I think the reason why tehre are so few exceptional people in this world is because if we were all exceptional, the standard would be too high. The exceptional now fuel the mediocrities (i.e. me) to become more like them (i.e. chris martin of coldplay) and once the mediocrities reach a semblance of their skill, they have the uncanny ability to get even better. it's quite the vicious cycle. Regardless, it gives the rest of the world the motivation to continue to parctice and get better at whatever the hell they want to do. and soon, they become exceptional themselves, albeit unrecognized. I hope to become one of those shadowy type exceptional people. i like the shadows.

But of course, most people live to be "acknowledged." recognition is a large appeal for pretty much anyone with talent, and of course, those who promote them say, your talent SHOULD be exploited, your talent SHOULD be mass-produced, and i'm just the one to do it! Not like this is bad, record companies wouldn't have a leg to stand on if this weren't true. and i think it's great that people are letting themselves be expressed through a word, a note, or a label, it is probably the closest thing to liberation they will get. BEsides, this blog is my only area of expertise and expression, and then again, i am no exception(al). So can i be a songwriter? a concert pianist? a rock star? a teeny-bopping pop star? or a one-man boy band? sure, why not? as long as the idea exists, so does the possiblity, and as long as the resources exist, so does the reality. and at least i know that much is true.

for me, at least.

But my reality is just the opposite. my reality is my house, my car, my money (or lack thereof), and my family. This right here, this little insignificant point of expression, is my possibility. I can't wait to go to college...

Can't wait.

lata.

2003-08-23T00:08:00.000-07:00

BLOGGING: begun @ 11:30:42

You know the last fight scene in gladiator, where Commodus fight Maximus and blah blah blah. and the before the fight commodus stabs maximus in the back, and the maximus and him fight and commodus starts getting wupped and loses his sword, and the he's like, "Quintis, sword! sword! sword!" and Quintis is like, "Sheath your swords! Sheath your swords!" ever wonder why he did that?
Like, he could have just given a sword to Commodus, he had already betrayed Maximus so far, killing Cicero, and sacrificing the lives of his buddies in the prisons, he might as well shoulda given commodus the sword to put poor poor maximus out of his misery. but you know what i think? im sure he knew about the hidden dagger, about the wound, about everything commodus planned, and really just hated his guts. so i'm thinking, quintis probably wanted to show everyone that commodus was just a big cheating weenie.

Yeah. A big cheating weenie.

So even after Commodus whips his little dagger out, Maximus STILL kills him. One then wonders, what if commodus won? like got a lucky stab to the head, or something, would the crowds cheer? would the people be like, "woot woot thats our man commodus!" no, probably not. not inside at least. they'd probably be like, "Commodus, you cheating weenie, you killed that man after he beat you to a pulp, and you cheated too." i'm sure they'd still be cheering for maximus, even after he died. and they did of course. but if commodus survived, he wouldn't have lasted long. quintis probably would have had the praetorian just chop his head off and be done with it. "he deserved it anyway," he'd say. and i'm sure the crowd would agree.

I know I would.

Anyway. I just learned that "relationships are sublime" a few minutes ago. looks like there is no escaping the truth that core brings into our lives. at least we know the truth now, neh? Its like mixing water and oil, and finding out the two actually do mix. it's like putting all your favorite fruits along with your most despised vegetables in a blender, and finding out that someone has already made it, and labeled it "V8 splash". Either way, it's exciting, unexpected, unstable, uplifting, and little intoxicating. There really is no getting around the sublimity of a relationship. it is extreme happiness with the possibility of failure, and the fear of that possibility becoming reality, which brings about an extreme paranoia, and even depression. So thats the definition of sublimity, my definition at least. and the way things are going, my definition may become THE definition, as redefinition goes.

and it goes. and it goes.

lata.

2003-08-21T23:39:00.000-07:00

closure is a hard thing to (de)fin(e)d, and i don't know why i just can't seem to (de)fin(e)d it. Somewhere between AFI, sum 41, Dashboard Confessional, and The Ataris, i can only find the flickering flame, the last spurt of a fire that is just about to go out.

lata.

2003-08-21T21:24:00.000-07:00

BLOGGING: begun @ 9:16:20 pm

I think i'll start this post off with a song.

I am feeling agile
I can bend and not break
Or i can break and take it with a
smile.
And I am so resilient
I recover quickly
I'll convince you soon
that i am
fine.

These summer days just get shorter and shorter. or maybe my time management is just getting worse and worse. whatever the cause, i must say that the prospect of college is looking better and bleaker with each passing moment. I have but a few more precious weks to spend time with those who haven't left, and i don't even know if i should be spending that time, because then wil i miss it more when i finally leave? haha..probably not. i'll regret it for sure. :) it makes me happy to know that i can spend time with them before i go, it makes me hapy to know that i have friends, still have good friends here. and i'm hoping they'll stay that way once things do change. As for now, those who have gone seem to be better off, and that gives me lots of hope. hope that i'll be better off too. UNfortunately there is no laundromat in the hall i am in, so i'll have to lug my laundry around, maybe i'll just do smaller loads more often. or just do my laundry like once a month. :P

on another note...i'm thinking ahead now. once we all do leave, and start coming back on weekends and feel like strangers in our own homes, we really must get together and do things. especially those that have left the state. first there is thanksgiving, then there is christmas and winter break, then there's spring break, and of course the next summer. boy, how little studying am i going to do this year...

lata.

2003-08-21T10:38:00.000-07:00

I had a great big interesting blog in mind. But i lost it to yesterday and a mel brooks movie.

So yesterday i didn't blog at all. which is surprising. i usually have enough time to blog about alot each day, but yesterday was pretty full.
i don't know what it was filled with though. i got my car back, and i took my mom to do some grocery shopping, went to get some lunch with molly and pinki, and then came home and ate dinner and watched movies. tomorrow there is a big church get-together at my house, so i'll wake up late and get out of doing all my chores in the morning. It's good to see everyone that left is still online, it's kind of sad thinking i won't be able to just call them up and meet whenever. but thats just the way it is for now. I got my dorm assignment yesterday too. so now i guess it's coming closer and closer to that time.

I guess i could have done a lot more during my summer. i should have. used my time better, sen more people, talked to more people, and tried to be nicer to more people. but that's just not my style i guess. i was always waiting for someone else to call me or something else to happen so i could go, because i don't like planning things and being disappointed. but i guess i should have at least tried, then not really expected it to work out so well. that would have made me a little happier, for now.

in the meantime, i have work to do. heh.

lata.

2003-08-19T18:41:00.000-07:00

SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i know
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i love seeing her smile
Psykdelicchik21: to be in love
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i cant help but star into her eyes sometimes
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i feel weird
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: haha
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: like i can't stare at anyone
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: but her
Psykdelicchik21: haha. its not weird...its dreamy
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: its weird!
Psykdelicchik21: and beautiful
Psykdelicchik21: and lovely
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: no staring is baaad
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: haha
Psykdelicchik21: and oh so amazing
Psykdelicchik21: haah no its not...it depends
Psykdelicchik21: ur not a stalker so its ok
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: but i like the feel of her warm skin on my lips
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: when i give her lil pecks
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: and her hands are amazing too
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: and i love her voice
Psykdelicchik21: thats sweet tim. the romantic in you has awoken
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: even tho she never believes me
Psykdelicchik21: ya...u love eveyrthing about her
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: and her evil humor
Psykdelicchik21: lol
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: she always makes fun of me
Psykdelicchik21: which is part of the reason why i think shes so great
Psykdelicchik21: ur so easy to make fun of ...its so much fun
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: ...
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: we make fun fo each other
Psykdelicchik21: lol.
Psykdelicchik21: hahah great
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: its fun
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: those are the times that make me just wan to hug her
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: and hold her and squeeeeeze
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: and then give her a little kiss

SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i don't want any regrets
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: and that may inclde pulling out of what i have with her
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: cuz when she told me that i had this feeling id be regretting alot more if i kept going
Psykdelicchik21: do u really feel like if u stay she'll hurt u again? do u feel like what u have with her is not what u thought it was?
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i really do
Psykdelicchik21: then tim...i dont want u to get hurt
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: neither do i
Psykdelicchik21: but dont rush into anyting...take some time to think about this...i dont want u to feel like u didnt make the right decision later on...but i dont want u to be hurt and close up again
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: don't want to be hurt
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: like this
Psykdelicchik21: and i dont wanna tell u anythign because this is fully ur decision, only u know what ur totally feeling right now. but what i can do is support any decision u make..and be there for u if u need me to
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i just feel like things cant go on the way they are
Psykdelicchik21: do u feel like u r definitely gonna get hurt if u stay in this?
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i genuinely do
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: right now
Psykdelicchik21: then i think youve just answered ur own question
Psykdelicchik21: do u think maybe things with her and how she feel can change/
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: but i want to believe she can change
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: and that i will too
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i have changed
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: and will change for her
Psykdelicchik21: but do u feel shell change for u?
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: but shes always told me, that she wont change, she doesn't want to change
Psykdelicchik21: will she gaurd her body and her heart? will she change and make this relatinship better along with u?
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i don't know!
Psykdelicchik21: if u think no...then i think u know in ur heart what u need to do

What happened then anyway?

lata.

2003-08-18T22:21:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading a book called "Inside Passage" by Michael Modzelewski. It's about his 18 months in Alaska on a little place called Swanson Island. He talks about the orcas, the bald eagles, and the kwakiutl indians. He talks about the merging of man and nature. of beasts and of mankind. and how we must discover ourselves as natural beings, not in contention with nature, but part of it. on a grand grand scale...the earth is like a giant human being, and we are but a part. Illusions of grandeur were never my style, because i'm a practical thinker when it comes to grandeur. He writes well, something which i'm currently aspiring to do. he writes with the heart and soul of experience, of seeing and touching, and feeling, and knowing what he writes about. and that is what gives this book substance. but this book is a one-time read, unless you enjoy reliving the experience of swimming with the whales, catching salmon on a foggy day, and meeting the extraordinary in the most extraordinary of places. I have the heart of an adventurer, the soul of an explorer, but the mind of a romantic. and my mind is what guides me most. While i wish, wish wish, that i could enjoy a piece of what Modzelewski writes about in his book, and can but speculate at the freedom and beauty he has already seen. the unfettered freedom that comes with living in solitude, on an island. the thought that food does not come from the store or with money, but from the hand of the hunter and that unless you catch something, you won't be eating that day. self-sustaining and reliable, whimsical still. College pales in comparison...but it is probably the closest i will come to that kind of independence, that kind of freedom. and i hope to take advantage of it.

speaking of college. i hope those of you that have already begun to move in are having fun, and i hope those that are preparing to move in aren't getting too sad, nostlagic, and hindered by the thought of leaving home behind. i know i have, and i stil do. but i like to remember that i'm not really leaving home completely. i wil be back, and i think i can hope enough that my friends wil be too. and i think i can hope i can count on them. i know i can. can't expect much from some people though. :) but that's not their problem, or mine. it's simply the way life goes.

I wish i could bring alaska back with me. everything here is so sterile.

lata.

2003-08-17T22:14:00.000-07:00

Good luck isn't a mtter of luck really. it's more or less a matter of wanting it more than the next person who's hoping on luck. It seems my parents have taken the first step to making a large financial commitment. another cruise. this time to the mediterranean. 15 days in easter europe by boat. how sweet is that going to be! i wihs i could be excited by it. but there is too much college going on right now. still hasn't hit me. college seems like a drag. and no i haven't met any new people. and no there hasn't been an official orientation, and yea, i'm kind of looking forward to welcome week. i have a foreboding sense of goodbye...that these past few weeks have been great for me. because i am catching up on alot of things i missed during the school year. alot of friends and time that i should have spent there. but i didn't. i didn't. and i'm doing it now. and now feels like it's too late and there just isn't enough time. and i feel like i'll always be catching up. i'm always behind someone else. and i'm not maturing the way i should, i'm not...meeting the people i should be, i'm not developing the relationships i should...i'm spending time on the things that will be gone soon, i'm spending my time and resource on those who i wish to see again but most likely will part. i'm not moving on into the next chapter of my life. i'm still living in this one. i'm still...hoping things won't change.

I'm still the same. and i will always be the same.

This is easy as lovers go
So don't complicate it by
hesitating and
This is wonderful as loving goes
this is telling me what's the
sense in waiting

I'll be true
I'll be use-ful
I'll be
cavalier
I'll be yours, my dear
And I belong to you
if you just
Let me through...

lata.

2003-08-16T21:37:00.000-07:00

Ghost of a Good Thing

I guess it's luck, but it's the same
Hard luck, you've been trying to tame
Maybe it's love, but it's like you said
"Love is like a role that we play."

But, I believe in you so much
I could die for the words that you say
But, I believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say

But, you're chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
Is getting away from you again
While you're chasin' ghosts

I guess it's luck, but it's the same
Hard luck, you've been trying to tame
Maybe it's love, but it’s like you said
"Love is like a role that we play."

But, I believe in you so much
I could die for the words that you say
But, I believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say

But, you're chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
Is getting away from you again
While you're chasin' ghosts

Just bend the pieces 'till they fit
Like they were made for it
But, they weren't meant for this
No, they weren't meant for this

Just bend the pieces 'till they fit
Like they were made for it
But, they weren't meant for this

Chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
Is getting away, away, away, away from you again

Chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
Is getting away from you again
While you're chasin' ghosts

-Dashboard Confessional

They have a new cd. a really good new cd.

lata.

2003-08-14T10:35:00.000-07:00

"Your heart reveals the real you - what you truly are, not what others think you are or what circumstances force you to be. It's amazing that out of all the billions of people who have ever lived, no one had a heartbeat exactly like yours.

"Another word for heart is passion. Some experiences turn you on and captivate you while others turn you off or bore you to tears. These reveal the true nature of your heart."
-Rick Warren

Finding oneself while everyone else seems to be finding someone else is a hard task. Thats why i value books to a certain extent. The words in books don't change. The feelings and thoughts they may convey, may awaken, always do. being able to come back to an old book and find something new is always rewarding. coming back to an old book and remembering the times in your life that you found refuge in it is exciting too. in a way, books help us retain the past, because what has already happened cannot be undone, and cannot be done differently. and we must try our best not to forget it. History is a funny thing...So many things that happened before i was born, and to my knowledge might as well never happened at all, but i believe it. why? because there are monuments, keepsakes, reminders of what has already come to pass, and hope that someday, in my lifetime, something more will too.

lata.

2003-08-13T23:01:00.000-07:00

People get old. people get sick. people get over it.

"To do something you ought not to do is called 'meddling.' Rambling on despite having your suggestion rejected is called 'wheedling,' figuring out people's minds and pleasing them with sweet words is called 'fawning,' agreeing with others without judgment is called 'toading,' criticizing people's weaknesses behind their backs is called 'back-biting,' breaking up friendship between two persons is called 'trouble-making,' praising the vicious while ostracizing the people we detest is called 'intriguing,' and not telling good from evil while being ingratiating is called 'slippery.'"

"These are the eight weeaknesses of men you must watch out for."
-The fisherman

Once in awhile you feel like a chauffeur because you're the only one around with too much free time and a full tank of gas. but giving rides out is one of the few things that isn't overrated. i enjoy the feeling of arriving on time, seeing a friend, and knowing that they can rely on you for something, at least, to be on time for a ride. its a small step towards consistency, honesty, and reliability. and isn't that all a parent can ask for? still. at least im not committing suicide, attempting to commit suicide, or eating too much for my own good. i feel that im pretty well self-regulated. and im sure i'll continue to be in college. why would i ever let myself become fat, slovenly, and slobbish, if i haven't already? i've often been accused of being irresponsible, absent-minded, and inconsiderate. and i must admit, i really have been. but who cares. not like i'm going to be that way all my life, nah? things change. people change. people get over it.

so get over it.

lata.

2003-08-12T23:09:00.000-07:00

Hey, hey! That's...a turtle right? Right?! Can a turtle become a ninja sensei?
-Naruto

2003-08-10T15:44:00.000-07:00

How can you say...

Just got back from alaska! things are pretty good. all except for the weather. hopefully i'll be able to handle everyone leaving so soon and suddenly. i wish all of you guys the best of luck, and great lives. because it's what you all deserve, for working so hard in high school. this is the payoff alot of us have been waiting for. and for all the people who are staying behind. possibly me and including brian skarin (<3). things will be awesome roxorz forever.

That it's too late...

Seeing alaska really is a thing everyone must do once. and of course only see it. experience it. living there is a different story. most of the residents we met and talked with were quite funny, but also very sarcastic about the livelihood of the state. the cost of living is really high! ridiculously so i mean like 5 bucks for a gallon of milk and 7 for a quart of orange juice. the cheapest thing is probably ice. gas even gets pricier up there than here, despite the fact that alot of it is starting to come from there. But the sights are sights to see. wildlife, mountain ranges, forests, oceans, and islands. so many beautiful things, so little time. i'm still amazed that people live there. everyhting looks so pure, untainted by the touch of humanity. it really makes one believe that this was no accident.

To save us now...

Even so, getting so far away from home makes me only want to come back more. and i did miss this house. my bed especially. even though i can't watch 4 movies a day continuously without commercials (for free), or watch movies on a big screen less than 500 feet away, or see live stage dancers perfroming amateur broadway dramas each night, or eat exquisite dishes that rival the best restaurants i've ever been to (including my mom's own cooking) with free refills (on food and drinks), i am definitely happy to be back home. going away was worth just being able to come back home. but i come back, and two of my closest friends have gone to korea and most of my friends are leaving for college in a little more than a week. These summer days...

-Yellowcard

P.S. thanks molly for not remembering i was leaving then leaving a message on my phone while i wasn't there. :P

2003-08-01T22:44:00.000-07:00

I'm going cruising. to alaska. for 7 days. i'll be back next saturday. get ready for a little sumpin sumpin on sunday.

Dream? I have a dream. My dream is to see that person's dream come true.
-Haku

I am also a man under command. I tell my servant 'go' and he goes and another 'come' and he comes. If you say it, it will be done.
-anon

I need more blank CDs to burn more white music onto to listen during my numerous hours of free time. save me, or kill me now.

lata.

2003-07-31T17:39:00.000-07:00

i have no idea what i'm doing right now. blogging because i'm waiting for steve to come pick me up, because there's not enough time to do anything else besides blog. grrreat. i feel good. looking forward to dinner. very hungry. be back later with details.

lata!

P.S. welcome back angela

2003-07-31T09:01:00.000-07:00

Life seems like one big test once in awhile. like every movement of my body and every thought is being graded, evaluated, and judged. where will there be a place where i don't have to be juged anymore? i can't even be free in the privacy of my home. which i continually discover is less mine and more my mother's. If i ever get a house, i swear to you it will be nothing like this. i know, deep down, life is a temporary assignment, a task, a little part of the eternity that we will all face in the end, but life is also life, not a big school or prison. life should be fun, and there are times when i should be uninhibited, and damn me if the only places i can do that is in other places besides my own home. what happens when a refuge becomes a battelfield? the innocent die. laws are broken. crimes are committed. What has happened to the refuge that i called home? it's been ravaged, and not a single soul is left to tell the story.

considering the rest of it, i may have to stick around here for awhile. going to cal poly may not happen. or it may. financial aid hasn't fallen through and increasingly i'm beginning to realize that i'm not eve worthy of the chance to get in. i'd rather stay around, go to pierce. find some friends to live with. get a handle on things without being nagged. learning to fail and succeed on my own. but alas, my luck is not so "lucky". so i'll try my best to get into college and get my butt out of this house.

lata.

2003-07-28T18:53:00.000-07:00

Between You and Me

Won't you come over?
You know that you want to.
How does it feel to know
I still want you?

Why do we always seem to want
what we can't have?
Lessons learned.
But then I listen to my heart,
And it says still run back for more.

I'm happy for you.
I'm sure that he really loves you.
But it breaks my heart,
To know I can't hold you.

(yeah)

It's just hard to think
I'll never get the chance
To say you're mine.
But every time you hear this song
You'll know you've made a mark
On my heart and my mind.
-The Ataris

2003-07-27T17:53:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired. i hink the only consolation i get from summer is that fact that when my parents aren't home, i can invite people over without feeling like i've done something "out of order." at least i can do that much. I wanted to watch some movies recently, but then i remember how damn expensive movies are. too bad none of my friends work at movie theatres, and no, i can't tell the ticket guy that i'm on my preiod and i need to change my pad, and the nearest bathroom is the one thats inside the theatre. that works, you know.

anyway. I've discovered that no matter how bored some people are, they'll never call anyone else to find something to do, they always wait around for people to call them. well i'm a planner. and i call other people, because waiting for people to call you is really freakin dumb, so if you want something to happen, call people and ask them if they're busy or not. because usually, they aren't.

lata!

2003-07-22T23:53:00.000-07:00

if you're extremely bored and you like time-wasting military strategy games, sign up for this plz. i get money too. and if we do good, you'l get money too. hahaha. sweeeet. the glory of being 18.

2003-07-22T20:39:00.000-07:00

There are entirely too many typos in a single day. i'm sure that there are millions of people out in the world that live on "tpying liek tihs" and "tlaking liek taht" but i think i'd die if i had to deal with that more than a week. i know my typos can be pretty bad too. i love em anyway. as long as i dont start making a lifestyle out of them. balance, is really the key.

balance seems to be the key to EVERYTHING. like balance it, like a little of this, enough of that, and you've got everything straight. can't focus too much or you lose concentration. cant slack off too much or nothing happens. like turning the magnifying glass while trying to burn thru that little ant or little dried up piece of leaf. speaking of ants, i fed some last night. stupid bug like a mosquito crawled on my arm and i fed it to the ants. it took a good 20 minutes for them to get it from the surface to the tunnels. i was quite taken...anyway.most people turn to the little creatures of the world when they have no people to interact with (aka me). my parents are having a hard time balancing themselves right now too. like between the fact that they dont trust me to succeed, and the fact that church seems to be falling apart at the seams. i'm still unsure where their priorities are. i hope it's church first, because i really don't want any more of their help. i know they're beginning to realize it too. too much help, lack of balance. anyway. i'm gonna be gone this thursday for summer advising. i hope it'll be fun, and i'm sure it will be. happy birthday han-na kim. sorry i can't make it to the partay. i'll make it up to you guys.

lata.

2003-07-21T23:10:00.000-07:00

dude. i just read my last post. and now im extremely upset. i lost my job because the stupid chinese food place closed down. well at least i got paid. so much for that prospect.

I just found out that what i've been listening to for the past 3 months is what the white man calls "emo music." It's great! it's so awesome and addicting and pertinent and beautiful...yet so misleading at the same time. regardless, its catchy. Anyway, enough sappy emo crap. i'm making my own kinda fun for reals now. besides feeling amazing good about pumping endorphins to my brain while working out, arguing with my parents and then telling my friends about it seems to do the trick too. i think it really does help me feel better about myself...endorphins that is. it makes me wittier, quicker, and little less irritable, especially when my mom gets under my skin, as she so often does. i dont even know if its intentionally or its just because she feels like she can do whatever the hell she wants to me. well, she CAN'T all y'all who think so, punks.

Less about my mother. I went on a little matchmaking site out of desperation/boredom and found myself laughing inside at all the young semi-attractive/unattractive women who think they're hot stuff. one is cute and Christian, another is not so cute and "jesus christ in a mini-skirt." figures. at least they can spell. im sure spelling errors are a big turn-off for alot of those intellectual types. egh.

"I've discovered that usually as intelligence goes up, happiness usually goes down. Look, i even made a chart! I make lots of charts."
-Lisa Simpson

2003-07-16T19:42:00.000-07:00

"OPEN, OPEN, OPEN."
-Mervyn's

it's such an easy word to say, yet sometimes such a hard thing to do (and wait for). besides waiting to open things up is probably the most fun i'll have this year. i got PAID today baby, and im definitely on the road to financial recovery, as long as i dont get a girlfriend anytime soon. being about 500 bucks in the hole makes a big difference when you think money is actually worth something
but im planning on spending it already. on shoes more or less. so who wants to come with me to the mall to buy shoes? a girl preferably, since the ladies always are on my mind nowadays. i think thats why i go to the gym too. to keep in shape and keep from breaking out and to, of course, impress the ladies. i think the hair is really the kicker. with my hair the way it is, i don't thinkin anyone won't notice me in a room full of hot asian boys. especially since i'm NOT one. maybe girls do like cars and money. i think the money part comes faster tho, at least it looks like it. cant buy a car with 600 doolars. I am quintessentially bored lately. and by quintessentially i mean more bored than those who say they are "quintessentially bored". because the only time i get out of the house is the gym, and i work the rest of the day. i even sneak a few work hours in at family fun...thats always nice. too bad no one likes to go anymore. well. i'll catch you later "dudes" and "dudettes". try to "keep it real" while we're all apart. i have yet to see some of you. hopefully we'll do something.

lata.

2003-07-16T00:15:00.000-07:00

gone.

2003-07-15T22:16:00.000-07:00

Sometimes memory can play mad tricks on you.
I got into a little car acident today. a little one. a teensy-weensy one. ai was backing out of a parking space in a little parking lot and i wasn't looking around and some other guy who was backing out wasn't looking around either so...BOP! he dented my bumper and i scratched his paint. can't wait to find out whos fault it is, since no one was around. and its just a little dent in the bumper. my parents flipped out tho, maybe becase i told them about so late. sorry, i panicked. i was scurred. and it wasn't even my car. it was my dad's, even tho im on the policy, so that's ok. but stil. my nerves are frazzled. had to go back to that parking lot and do some investigating to make sure alls well that ends well. i hope it does.

I hope everyone is keeping in touch. if not physically or verbally. i think blogs are a good way to keep in touch. of course, you ahve to write certain things to people that you could probably call on the phone. but there just aren't enough hours in the day to do that. still. i like reading other people's blogs, even people who don't usually blog have been blogging lately. haha. must have something to do with the weather. i hear heat gives you nightmares.

if you don't have this song yet, get it!

Blue and Yellow

And it's all in how you mix the two,
And it starts just where the light exists.
It's a feeling that you cannot miss,
And it burns a hole,
through everyone that feels it.

Well your never gonna find it,
If your looking for it,
won't come your way,
Well you'll never find it,
if your looking for it.

Should've done something, but I've done it enough.
By the way, your hands were shaking,
Rather waste some time with you.

And you never would have thought in the end,
How amazing it feels just to live again,
It's a feeling that you cannot miss,
it burns a hole, through everyone that feels it

Well you're never gonna find it,
If your looking for it, won't come your way, yea
Well you'll never find it, if you're looking for it.

Should've done something, but I've done it enough.
By the way, your hands were shaking.
Rather waste some time with you.

Should've said something, but I've said it enough.
By the way, my words were faded.
Rather waste some time with you.

Time with you...
Waste some time with you...

Should've done something, but I've done it enough.
By the way, your hands were shaking.
Rather waste my time with you.

Should've said something, but I've said it enough.
By the way, my words were faded.
Rather waste my time with you.

Should've done something, but I've done it enough.
By the way, your hands were shaking.
Rather waste some time with you.

Waste some time with you...
-The Used

2003-07-14T23:12:00.000-07:00

"All i knows is i'm getting straight A's, and that ain't not bad."
-Bart

I'm tired. work is hard. work is good. money is better. can't wait for my first paycheck.

2003-07-13T22:35:00.000-07:00

It's communion sunday, and once again i'm faced with the holiness and sacredness of the ordinary.
I wonder why the most sacred things seem to be the most ordinary. is it so that maybe, with the object being so ordinary, we can begin to focus on the significance, the "sacredness", of the object itself? things in themselves are but things. while things may be beautiful, smooth, jagged, or ugly, they are simply things. But they have no inherence, no inner essence which they are created with, so what is it that gives them that sacredness? the voice of authority. Someone who we belive in, we respect, we honor we rever someone we hold in such high esteem that if they came along and said that something was great, now matter how ordinary it may look, we believe it. So we take it and believe it, we hold it up high: the stick, the piece of bread, the cup of grape juice. but these are not just things any longer. they now carry a greater significance than all of those who understand it. it now has the significance of authority. authority is a great thing, a great great thing that leaves its mark wherever it goes. to say that authority is authoritative is obvious, and that much says that only authority can be authoritative. So now what is this object? it is no longer simply an object. it may reamin beautiful, smooth, jagged, or ugly, but now it has something more...sanctity. it has been purified by the light of judgment, and authority has deemed it worth of our reverence, the reverence of the only beings capable of reverence. so things that are sacred are not sacred without reason, and things that are sacred are not sacred without history. so find out why something is what it is, before you decide it's what you want it to be.

lata.

2003-07-13T21:05:00.000-07:00

In the past month, i have seen this newly married couple more times than i can count.
Not to say that it's so bad. but there is something interesting about them. what, exactly, makes these two people so...interesting? The wife, Mary, goes to my church, has gone to my church since the day i was born, and most likely longer. I've seen her every week since the day i started going to church. She is kind, talented, and attractive. and also very very devoted to Christianity. As a person, individually i'm sure she has alot to say, share, and do. by herself. but with her husband it seems that she has infintely more so. While individually, as i knew her for so long, she was obedient and smart, and always played piano for church. i never saw her as an intellectual, a witty, humorous person. but now, i know she is. simply because of the way i've seen her with this person.
The husband, Randy, is a caucasian who just recently became a Christian (5 years ago). I have to say, the first time i saw this big white guy's bald head next to Mary, i thought, oh my g-d. is that really happening? not to say that i'm a bigot or a racist or a conservative republican who insists on the value of racial segregation, it was just something i never would have imagined happening to Mary. Mary's mother is quite narrow-minded. So it follows that such a thing probably wasn't so well-taken with her. but my parents fixed that situation. but, i digress. Randy is a nice funny, almost-shamelessly humorous guy. exactly what Mary's mother isn't. He's definitely fun to talk to, hang out with, and just shoot the breeze. he has enough knowledge to speak clearly, and enough experience to back up what he says. i must say i had very little interest in him, or what he had to say, or anything about him. but i've almost been forced (is that so bad?) to get to know this person, and it really hasn't been half-bad. it's actually been great. so i thank God that i've been able to meet people like this, even Mary who i've known my entire life.

So what's the point of my ranting? it's just that...i learned some things from people i never would have talked to on my own, never would have opened to if i let my preconceptions and judgments get in the way. No, i'm not mature. no, i wasn't immature before now. But now, more and more, i start talking to people i never would have thought i would be talking to, and i'm having the kind of conversations i used to have to coerce from people. what is it about the times that makes this so much easier? is it the times? i can't say, but i can say that these times are exactly how i've wanted my life to be. there is no more apprehension, no more hesitation, and no more guilt. The regrets of my past function only to spur me on in my pursuit of new people. so will i have regrets later? definitely. will i make mistakes? of course. but will i feel bad, guilty, and hindered by them? never. i'm not afraid anymore. i've already lost what i had, and there is only gain left over.

So here's a little shout-out. even though i know they'll never see this.
Randy and Mary
Live happily ever after, because you deserve it. you've given your lives to the one thing that can never fall, and it isn' love, passion, and lust. it's the love of God and God's own love that resides in your hearts, and with that there is no shifting sun or waning moon. I hope your lives are a testimony to many, to those which cannot believe in true love, to those which refuse to understand grace, and to those who continue to struggle with the pain of life and love lost.

lata.

2003-07-12T00:56:00.000-07:00

IT TAKES GUTS to commit suicide.
It goes without saying. What goes through one's head when you think about ending your own life? that it isn't worth living anymore? that no one will care? or maybe everyone will be better off? Or maybe that you'll be better off...what can compel someone to give up something, the only thing that makes life worth living? once you die it all goes away, you no longer se, taste, smell, feel the world around you. all it does is fade away...people commit suicide because they say life is too painful, life is too confusing, life is too hard, life just isn't worth living. is that really your choice? what is life hard compared to? why has it lost its meaning now? what are you comparing it to now that it doesn't match to anymore...so much so that you need, you want a new one. Why not just try, with all the might it takes, all the guts it takes, to commit suicide and use it transform your own life! make it the way it used to be! give it purpose! if it's to hard you're not trying hard enough. if it's too painful you're dwelling too much, if it's too confusing...you're thinking TOO MUCH. life is a gift. don't throw it away. and if you plan to, notify your mother, your father, your brothers and sisters, and your friends. because their lives include you. and it's not fair that you take that away from them without getting their permission.

lata.

2003-07-09T18:18:00.000-07:00

i have a job, finally.

and by no fault of my own, may i add. i stumbled across this opportunity because my mother who has a friend who just opened up a chinese fast food restaurant on ventura blvd has decided to employ drivers and give free delivery to a 3 mile radius. and i'm one of the 3. so, anyone like chinese food?

lata.

2003-07-09T10:33:00.000-07:00

Chessy stuff sucks. i really hate cheesy people. i think this is new. because i used to like cheesy stuff. but the more i think about it, cheesy stuff is just really...cheesy. it's not only contrived, vacuous, and quintessentially "un-witty" it's just soo empty. i like things loaded with meaning. but i guess everything can't be that way, but i try to keep my life as meaningful as possible. if it isn't i guess i just dont' take it seriously. can't take everything seriously, or else i'd never be able to as sarcastic as i am. but people take that too seriously too. being sarcastic is one of the best things i get to do, because i take what everyone else may think is sacred, and twist it. wow, that sounds baaaad. but sarcasm doesn't just do that. not for me. sarcasm makes me think about why something is sacred, and how sacred is it if it can be so easily twisted? i don't like tabu, because tabu means we can't talk about it, and everything should be talked about. so talk up a storm, save the dancing for someone who cares. and trust me, i can dance.

Growing up soon, i feel it in my bones. deep down. so many things i used to think were important aren't so, like pride, excessive pride of course. and some things stay important, like love. God is getting up there too. i'm afraid it is a new era, and caring less is becoming less and less of an important thing. so trust me, i care.

2003-07-07T19:49:00.000-07:00

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

...at least i used to.

i need my prom pictures. hurry it up! :)

lata.

2003-07-07T08:52:00.000-07:00

"What we do in life, echoes in eternity." - Maximus

Life is short. But life isn't meant to start and end so quickly. Believing in a future, a life after death makes life seem less important, but i think it makes it more so. Life is like preparing for what is to come. Thousands of generations have come and gone, and thousands more will continues to do so, we hope. we also hope that what we've done in our lives will affect those who continue to live on. So we have eternity in our hearts, and the future in our sights, and the hope of making a difference at the forefront of our minds. Without these three things life would seem very bleak, essentially meaningless, because one breath is just like any other, and we are but a breath.

I know i sound presumptuous, and smarty, and weird. I know everyone hates it, because it's really not witty at all, and it actually makes conversation pretty hard. it's just a phase, i promise you. i'm sure i'll be back to my old self in no time. for the time being, let me wallow in my philosophy and inanity, and let me think about whatever there is to think about. byebye.

2003-07-01T22:03:00.000-07:00

Under the assumption that i am an inherenty evil evil person, i think a single decent act each day is quite good. unfortunately every other inherently evil, evil person taht deos more than just that think themeselves better than the rest. it's not like it changes the fact that you're still an inherently evil, evil person. i think that's what the point of salvation is. of course everyone has heard it. and those who are most judgmental tell the rest of the world about it. it's self-righteousness that breeds insurrection, it fuels rebellion. self-righteousness is the bane of the rest of the world who have a hard time meeting that wonderful standard that "they" seem to always adhere to. but they don't always which ruins their entire argument. just as before, 1 mistake will make you just as bad as the next person who has made 1000 mistakes. so why be so hostile? why be soo insistent on that one truth that even "they" are unable to follow? beacuse it gives us hope, a vision, a goal. but that goal should not be fought, killed, decimated over. there is a breaking point, but for now, we need to talk, discover, and reach a compromise. because compromise is what now requires us to do. someday, we will have to fight for that ideal, we will rebel for that ideal, we will kill for that ideal. but now, we must compromise.

i've been writing lots of good stuff lately. go me. IM me or call me if you have any questions about what i write about, and TELL ME when you read my blog, it makes it that much more satisfying. unless of course you have a hard time getting it all...sorry. :(

2003-06-30T22:16:00.000-07:00

TOO MUCH TO EXPLAIN but in the end, i feel good because i've let my worries fall into the hands of God.

so there really isn't anything to worry about now, is there? the outcome in and of itself will not be a complete, whole result based on me, but it will be the result of a chain of events, providentially set into motion by God whom has foreknowledge of what will happen in the future, and i trust that that future will be a promising one, no matter how bleak or insincere things may seem right now. i of course have a part to play in the grand master plan, and my purpose is to simply play that part, to my ability. no joke! its as simple as that. my abilties are given to me to play this part, and if i do not use those abilities given to me, i am not fulfilling the will of God in my own life. how upsetting would that be? then whos fault is it that my future has the possiblity of being bleak and insincere, as things are now? mine. my decision will be the determining factor. and that decision has already been made by God, so i trust it will be the right one. good night ladies, gentlemen. this insignifcant creature has been given yet another chance to prove his unworthiness, and yet another chance to be redeemed for it.

2003-06-29T17:13:00.000-07:00

I'm blogging out of boredom.

So what's new today? not much. having all this free time gives me time to play games, to think, and to get into more arguments with my parents. i guess there's less to say about that than one may assume. But everyone gets into squabbles and quarrels, so it's nothing new. guess that answers my question. i keep wondering what i'm gonna spend the rest of my summer doing. hopefully working. getting a job seems to be priority right now. along with registering for classes for cal poly, which seems to be up in the air mostly. if things turn out well i will be "not here" come mid-septermber. I think having all this free time helps me work on my writing too. depsite the fact that i haven't done much reading/studying or any type of intellectual brain work since school ended, i feel much more creative and productive. enough of that. my brain is somewhere else.

Ever since school ended i've yet to see anyone from school. but i am seeing some people tomorrow, i'm sure of it. hopefully won't get to nostalgic, i haven't yet. just a little bored and lonely and disinterested. things are slow when no one is around to share your misery. it's almost like being in prison. excpet i think it's because i never give my phone number to people. meh.
The only probable, real reason i haven't seen anyone is because i haven't tried and i'm not too high on the priorities list. not even my own. lazy too. oh well. i have time, but i need gas and more minutes on my phone. heh. no use in brooding/gloating/complaining. call me up!

cell:8075484
home:7010113

lata~!

2003-06-27T23:02:00.000-07:00

VBS is officialy over! i'm sad/glad once again...

who knew kids could do so much? i can't remember the last time i felt like a kid, but i let myself be a kid with these little buggers. It felt good too. carefree, happy, and of course, moody. but not whiny like these guys. i kept my composure (most of the time). learned a few lessons too. these kids are sensitive...and i was too, but maybe i didn't try hard enough. but you gotta love the big gaps in their smiles and their teeth that never seem to fill their mouths. toothy smiles are attractive, i guess. and they laugh so brightly. like a laugh that would fill an entire empty room with the feeling, the feeling that there's no need to take things so seriously, that we have all the time in the world, and no rules to follow. but alas, it ends when the kids walk out the door. and i go home, and it feels like nothing has changed...and i have once again a million things to do, a million things on my mind, and not one second to think about them. summer is supposed to be relaxed, free, and empty, mostly. even if it isn' there should be some time in the day where we can find time for ourselves, and others. but this week i haven't, haven't found any time even for myself. much less anyone that lives outside the walls of my house. i apologize. we have all summer to look forward to. gimme a call, meet me at the gym, go for a swim, come over, chill, bring the games, the food, the fun, and let's just live it up for these last months til we'll have to say our real goodbyes.

because we will.

lata.

2003-06-23T00:30:00.000-07:00

A thousand pardons to those who i did not see after the graduation ceremony had ended. I'm so sorry!

Well, it's alll over now ain't it. i'm pretty sad/glad about how it all turned out. and i'm sad/glad that i'm going away for awhile to get away and make good friends better. because that's what i'm really hoping for. Summer is always a test, but i have a good feeling this time around. now i have a phone, a car, and free time, as of now, i think it shouldn't be too hard to see my friends and spend some time bonding before they all have to go their own ways. i'll be sad/glad to see them go. Need to get a job too, hopefully that 'll work out and i'll be able to put some cash away for college. college...i got my registration packet a few days ago and i have yet to look at it. i'm kind of intimidated by everything. the independence, the freedom, the LIFE i'm about to receive. but it's natural, i guess. it doesn't feel like it, that's all. Just hope everything goes well right? I can only hope for the best. expecting is something else. but it's always nice to be proven wrong when everyone thinks you're a pessimist. heh. call me up! let's go do something! i'm waiting for something to happen, becuase i'm really too tired to plan anything right now.

2003-06-15T19:16:00.000-07:00

I want someone to love
Someone to love me, and to hold
When the times get cold
And I don't want anything
More than a kiss
A smile, a touch
Something, anything.

Usually when I don't want to work, I want to have fun. having fun doesn't always mean going out, playing games, chilling. Having fun can mean being intimate, joking, being sarcastic, being with one person you want to be with. And that can be fun. Well, that kind of fun isn't so easy to come by. So I guess that's why it's such a hot commodity. that kind of fun is called "love." Some people get it left and right, like candy from a pinata. One whack, and it all comes flying out. Others, a little weaker maybe, need to give a lot more to get the same, maybe less, because people on the side like to jack a little. But some get lucky, and some just have more courteous friends. lata.

2003-06-14T23:36:00.000-07:00

Whoever made up the word "neutral" was an idiot. what the hell does neutral mean? not passionate, not hateful, not loving, not spiteful, not sad, not angry, not happy, not unhappy. indifferent? not indifferent, either. apathetic? close, but no cigar. Neutral is the word that has a meaning only in the context of comparison with two extremes. Neutrality, it can be said, is a third force in a battle between two opposing forces. But what good is it? being neutral usually refers to the inactive, inconsequential, immobile, uncaring grop of people that choose, somehow despite their "neutrality," not to do anything. but to not do anything does relay a certain message. today my mother told me, "as long as you're doing what is right." From what I gather, neutrality is not exactly good. so does this disqualify any neutral actions? again, neutral is circumstantial and being such requires that actions be put into context before the anti-action becomes "neutral." But, neutral is neither bad. Isn't it? I've been under the impression, for quite some time now, that things are only always good or bad. What is not good, is bad. While it makes life that much easier to believe this, it is very limiting. There are some that can deal with these limitations, but I am not one of them. So now, in my attempt to become "neutral" for reasons of experimentation, discovery, exploration, i am being hindered by these old ideas. Is this so bad? To be hindered by tradition may be unfavorable, but i do not wish to discard my tradition to "unleash" myself. An age-old problem it seems. More on this later. I need sleep.

2003-06-11T22:23:00.000-07:00

I finished my wilf essay today. and it made me feel good. for once, that old malnutritioned bastard gave me a chance to write something i liked. i hope you read it. but then again i hope you didn't. i guess in my heart of hearts what i'm looking for is not reconciliation, but something else. i'm not sure yet. what can i say? i'm confused, beyond explanation. maybe i should just stop thinking about it.

This is why i want to be w riter, because i want to write things like i did today. i could have gone on forever, because what i wrote about today was writing about a chapter in my life, that i made. the decisions i made, the results, the things i learned, the things i saw. this is what books are all about. and to be a writer is to be in perpetual contact with that which makes me happy, taht which i've created. to write about your own creation is like writing about a child you've raised, writing to someone special, writing to a long-lost friend. i'm writing about me! something i finally know about, something i finally have examples to make, to see, to draw from, finally something i don't have to think so much about, because i've already thought it out during the process, and the aftermath is what comes out on paper. good luck in your careers you writers, i hope you wish the same for me.

lata ppl.

2003-06-11T20:34:00.000-07:00

Kicking myself in the ass, again. i think i have trouble reconciling with people i feel have done me wrong. (surprise surprise?) i'm sure you all know this and have the same problems. but, there are a few of those that are able to. you know, look beyond the wrongs and be happy with people no atter how much they've been wronged. i think it also has to do with how close they are. wow is my ass sorry. fucked up things a little too early i guess. my timing was way off. time and time again i make the same mistakes, and all i can really say is i'm sorry. truly sorry that i can't help but make the same mistakes, truly sorry that the results are all that's left of what i've done. looking at the results are just too hard sometimes. and knowing that they are exactly what i deserve is harder. god, how can i explain this? at least writing does this much, it helps me think about it. even if it can't solve the problem outright, at least i can think about it.

i'm jumping all over. faking happiness is the hardest thing i've learned to do, finally. faking happiness makes everyone so much happier, or at least it helps them fake it too. had an interesting conversation last night about this too. well not exactly about this, but this in a different light. having fu isn't always having fun, sometimes its just pretending to have fun. :) how's that for a depressing thought. being a "v62.3" doesn't help either. i guess it just means i have academic and social problems. woot. i'll see you later guys. i'm tired of blogging and i have a wilf essay to do.

2003-06-10T19:41:00.000-07:00

Now that things have happened, there are things to write about. not prom, though, everyone has already wrote about prom.

Luis: you are one FUCKED UP little boy. indeed, i've tried MY best to get you to understand that things that happen in the world aren't as consequential as you make them out to be. they AREN'T life-changing, not all of them, they AREN'T malicious, cold-hearted, and all aimed toward making you hate the rest of world and giving you the excuse to say so. lighten up motherfucker. before you start talking about other people's decisions, opinions, thoughts, ask them first. find out what THEY want, what THEY have, and whether or not THEY want YOU to tell the ENTIRE WORLD ABOUT IT. calm your fidgety ass down and don't try to solve the rest of the world's racial/social/sexual/personal problems. or at least the things you think are their problems. sorry to molly for the negativity.

Anyway. Finishing up Unbearable Lightness of Being, i'm glad some people got a kick out of the few quotes i allowed onto my blogger, and AIM profile. I hope it made you as STOKED to read it as i was, after the first 5 pages. I opened up my soul to the rest of the world, instead of opening up my body, so things went wrong. if only i could learn to separate the two, but for all of the grey matter in my head, i can't live it. and i'm still working on it. since i can't tell anyone in particular about my issues, i'll tell everyone and hopefully someone will come and ask for more (which i have none to give, btw, it's all been taken away by something or another, i can't remember.). moving on...this book gives me lots of hope for the future, combined with my nifty litttle change in the way i see the world, thanks to michelle+"thing". Hopefully, i hope, like pragmatists i hope without expectiation, summer will be great. summer will be a time of rebirth, in a way, if you have the same definition of rebirth as i do. like starting over so i won't have to explain myself, or so that i CAN explain myself before conclusions start being made. thank god for distance.

On the other hand. i'm quite sad High School is ending. its a very formal ending to a very formal part of our lives. Like Lemmon said, now w'ere getting the chance to shape our own "thing", without being questioned, while questioning everything else. shaping this "thing" will be fun, full of surprises, and hopefully secure, in the way that bungee jumping is secure. Give it a little time, and i'm sure the rest of you will come around and stop being so nostalgic and actually be happy about the many years we've spent together. be they chatting, backstabbing, flirting, cheating, or writing things like this. good luck, all my friends, good luck. i wish you the best in life, love, and hapiness. it's all anyone can truly wish for.

2003-06-09T21:06:00.000-07:00

Probably because we're such bad people.

wondering why fate has it in for me, at least. karma is like a big bal of flaming hot hate. heat and hate are pretty synonymous so it makes me wonder why people associate passion with it too. passion, heat, hatred. it makes for a great combination of dissociated words. back to karma. believing in karma is easier than believing in fate, only because it gives us a more viable cause to the nasty effect that we experience. like today. trying to explain things doesn't always work, simply because some people don't listen. and of course this only happens because i don't listen to others. i feel bad either way. dirty looks don't exactly seem very attractive to me, but i know i give me fair share of them. besides, karma likes to be subtle, and i'm sure that some long incident ago is coming to bite my butt and make me make another mistake, so it has the right to come again. It has a way of making one feel guilty too, extremely gulity that i made a mistake, an irreparable one that seriously damages a special relationship. by "special" i mean different, not necessarily required or close. sorry michelle. my argument is with you, but i'm sure you didn't know. since you don't know about these kinds of things. sorry that i didn't look out for other people'es interests, in the end i was looking out for what my best opportunity was, to make a film, not to work outside of school, and to do it within in a group of my choosing. sorry i didn't have you or anyone else who wasn't in APES in mind. it doesn't always happen that way. but this time im sorry it did, because you made me feel 100% guilty about defending it. well, i'm sure you don't care that im apologizing, but i do it for my sake, once again. lata.

2003-06-04T22:37:00.000-07:00

It's funny how some things push people apart, while others bring people together. it hurts too.

important dates:
4/20
1-2-3-4-5/14
5/20
6/19
9/29
10/1
6/6

i'm sure y'all can guess what is what. cuz i'm too tired to explain. and too tired to actually list the rest of them.

anyway. some days are just more interesting than others. some people too. today i did more than just talk. i did. i changed, i changed people, and i changed my world. i think that's the key to living a nice life. not a good one, but a nice one. keeping it out of the bad. of course, sometimes changing isn't always good. but i hope i can change a little more. i've noticed im not the typical blogger, at least not from the ones at our school. i guess it's because i don't get out much. don't get out, don't do, don't experience, what else is there to write about? and you guys wonder how i write so much...when i'm so deprived of personal experiences. i guess i'm just cool like that. cool like that. i write because i have my mind to accompany me wherever i go, or don't go. i don't think i'm ever one to be involuntarily completely bored. i think i could think up a thing or two to mess around with. thats what philosophers do anyway. i wish i weren't so. it would make life much easier. and more people would read what i had to say too. good luck trying to figure my life out.

lata.

2003-06-02T21:23:00.000-07:00

Always assuming the worst
But you're going on none the less
And there's nothing to cushion your heart led fall
Letters from further away
Keep pulling me close to home
And there's something to soften my callous sighs

And I know that you hope for
Longer good-byes
Embracing for forever
And falling in your eyes
In your eyes
In my eyes

Pouring over photographs
I'm living in your letters
Breathe
Deeply from this envelope
It smells like you
And I can't be
Without that scent
It's filling me
With all you mean to me
To me

Continually failing these trials
But you stand by me nonetheless
And you won't let me sink
Though I'm begging you
I'm begging you
Phone calls from further away
And messages on my machine
But I don't ever tell you this distance
Seems terrible

And there's no need to test my heart,
With useless space
These roads go on forever
There'll always be a place
For you
In my heart

So I'll hit the pavement
It's gotta be better than waiting
And pushing you far away
Cause I'm scared.
So I'll take my chances
And head on my way up there
Cause turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten
-DC

i can't be
without that scent
it's filling me
with all you mean to me

2003-05-29T21:29:00.000-07:00

"As I have pointed out before, characters are not born like people, of woman; they are born of a situation, a sentence, a metpahor containing in a nutshell a basic human possibility that the author thinks no one else has discovered or said something essential about."
-Milan Kundera

"A superior man studies extensively the details, in order to retrieve and integrate the essentials."
-Mencius

2003-05-28T21:33:00.000-07:00

I'M SO HOT! the temperature definitely isn't cold enough...

i'm sooooo hot...but tired too. and sleepy. but sleep on hot days is very "refreshing." as many would think, heat also stifles the mind. and i'm so tired of thinking. thinking just requires too much heat, and the added heat is enough for me. so i'ma chill on the thinking part. but it does make a good atmosphere for small talk...talking about the heat, that is.

2003-05-27T18:31:00.000-07:00

"A person who longs to leave the place where he lives is an unhappy person."

I assume then that we are all unhappy people. leaving is the only thing i have to look forward to, for now. and i will make the best of it.

"Not even ones own pain weighs so heavy as the pain one feels with someone, a pain intensified by the imagination and prolonged by a hundred echoes."

Compassion is a burden that no sane person would want to bear, in this i can say only that the insane can be truly in love. and i wish to be insane...

-Milan Kundera

2003-05-26T23:23:00.000-07:00

You have a surprise kiss! Your partner is always
pleasantly pleased to have you jump outta no
where to dote them with a fun peck on the cheek
or more passionate embrace. super markets and
work places are your favorite places to attack
your loved one with all your love =p

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

quizzes are so much fun!

2003-05-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

im so tired. and it was such a short, boring weekend. i'll be glad that school starts. i'm glad to work now.

am i lying? no, of course not. lying is behind me now. my promises mean things, and the things i say have just as much weight as the things i mean. i'm happy anyway. and i don't want to write anymore.

2003-05-26T22:03:00.000-07:00

Hey Jude
Don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey Jude
Don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you'll begin to make it better

And anytime you feel the pain
Hey Jude refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool
Who plays it cool
While making his world a little colder
La Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

Hey Jude
Don't let me down
You have found her
Now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better
So let it out and let it in
Hey Jude begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with
And don't you know that it's just you
Hey Jude you do
The movement you need is on your shoulders
La Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na yeah

Hey Jude
Don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better, better, better, better, better, better, better
-the Beatles

2003-05-20T20:52:00.000-07:00

why doesn't anything get through to me? i know the real world is out there, waiting to eat me up. and i'm ready to take it on too, damn you. Don't get me wrong, i have some skills of course, but when it comes to the REAL stuff, i doubt i have anything useful, remotely useful. but still, i'm working on it. and school is a part of that, isn't it? yeah school is everything right now. i can't believe i've been slacking off since the 6th grade. i must have some weird thing in my head that constantly reminds me to slack off. probably a bug in the system. regardless my mother thinks its curable. i'm sure it is, but not anytime soon. i hope she'll realize that much. i should too. in the meantime, things don't deserve to be so crappy for other people. i'm sure you're all having a good time. i should be too. see you lata.

2003-05-15T21:41:00.000-07:00

is it just me or are my glasses never on straight? werd...

i haven't blogged in awhile! i'm sure none of you are disappointed or at least lacking anything in your lives because of this. my blogs are usually insubstantial or entirely too esoteric for anyone but me and select few to understand. besides, posting general, ambiguous morals is quite pointless without the actual fable behind it. so i'll tell you a story, then i'll tell you what i got out of it.

so i was thinking to myself, what exactly constitutes a friendship? like talking? flirting? seeing someone walk around the same place day after day? and with that, what constitutes happiness? (this is a philosophical story, if you haven't noticed, so if you're looking for comedy and action, LOOK ELSEWHERE) i was thinking, maybe happiness just means doing what you want, without suffering the consequences. i really think that is the ultimate happiness. to do what you really want to do, that will make you happy, give you the rush of happiness, then not feel guilty, or attached, or in debt, in any sort of way. yeah. that's what happiness is all about. isn't friendship based on happiness? so i said to myself, all my friends should be happy being friends with me, most of the time. if they weren't, i'm sure they wouldn't be my friend, for the most part. so what did i learn (i know you wanted someting better and more exciting, but i can't help it! i'm on a strict schedule here)? i learned that in order to really be happy, don't do the things that your friends say not to do, and do what they say. it makes their lives happier. in turn, it might make yours. so be happy. don't push, pull once in awhile, because losing closeness id losing the distance you need to communicate. so stay close, but don't expect it. expectations can make even the happiest person in the world lose hope.

don't expect, enjoy. love ya lots babe.

lata my ppl.

2003-05-01T19:46:00.000-07:00

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/disorder_information2.html

maybe i'm just LYING TO MYSELF! beautiful isn't it.

2003-04-30T21:42:00.000-07:00

i'm a worrier. there is no avoiding it.but worry has its place doesn't it? worry is like the friend you need when no one else is worrying. its also like a ghost, that haunts you when no one else seems to want to. it's better than a stalker, no? but it's also worse. but then again, what else could bw worse than to worry that you can't trust your most trusted peoples? i trust my peoples, no doubt. i refuse to worry more now, and trust more instead of worry.

besides...
Life isn't short at times. and worrying all the time is just intolerable, interminable. so instead i like life long...and free. everything really should be free. im so poor now i really really need a job. because things AREN'T free, i need money. why is this need for money so BIG? i hate it. i need money..maybe i wil pursue this opportunity to work at radio shack. if i can find the damn district office and get in touch with them. thank god the mall has so many places.

that's it for now.

2003-04-29T19:14:00.000-07:00

LATELY i've been posting alot of music lyrics, as you can see. today i thought i might try something a little different. even though it's hard, for me at least, not to post something i listen to that helps me sort out my thoughts, i'll do it, just for today. I got my tux today, hopefully it'll go well together with my prom date's dress, which i have yet to see. After i got home, i took a 1-hour nap that latsed two hours. werd. that seems to happen a lot lately.and by the end of this week, my brother should be back for about 10 days. i'm pretty hapy i'm drivng because then i'll drinve him around, especially after he's been driving me around so long. this isn't the brother i was blogging about yesterday either. haha. i have TWO brothers, btw. Besides taht i'm sure this day will be very unevenftul, since i've already finished wilf crap, but maybe giff still needs to be done. i really have to just keep up in school so i can get out after this semester is over. cal poly really isn't a bad place! not to say taht everyone else in the world told me it wasn't, but for me, now, it isn't. i think that's what's really important, that i like it, that i want to go, and that i will work to get there. unfortunately my parents didn't go to China this year, so i wil be at school until the end of the year, no ditching (well not as much), and pretty much day-in, day-out will all be the same. thank God they don't stay home all day tho, and neither do i. having a car is 100% better than walking. since 90% of the time i'm unwilling to walk to the places i can now drive to. but don't ask for rides. i don't have much gas left.

Besides that, things are going well, as well as should be expected. i'm happy, life is "good". hahaha. lata my peoples.

2003-04-28T22:07:00.000-07:00

I am
A little bit insecure
A little unconfident
'Cause you don't understand
I do what I can
But sometimes I don't make sense
I am
What you never want to say
But I've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do
I can't convince you
For once just to hear me out
So I let go
Watching you
Turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here
'Cause you're all that I got

I can't feel
The way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal
This damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
-Meteora

MY brother said today how he thinks i'm really NOt a nihilist bear. i really do think i have nihilist tendencies, but maybe they're a little more prevalent than i thought. who knows? care bears are a weird way of describing me anyway. even if it is dysfunctional. i feel good lately, anyway. besides the weekend, i've had a pretty good past few days. wait...that doesn't make sense. maybe just today was a good day. good days are fwe and far between, so i guess i try to treasure them more. this day is ending tho. i always seem to blog at the end of the day, unnless of course something interesting happens in the middle of the day, which rarely happens. i'm thinking i should blog afte rschoo, since then i can actually remember how school was like. or not. school and home are definitely two differnt places, and i don't like mixing them. maybe taht's my problem when it comes to homework and getting things done with school. i'm sure when i get a job, maybe it'll be different. gotta keep work and play separate...once in awhile. if work is fun, then i guess i wouldn't have to, but it very seldom is. work is relative too...some work is fun. anyway...

i'm tired. tired of sleeping so LATE! well then i guess i better start working. harder. hahahaha...yeah right. lata my homies.

2003-04-25T22:57:00.000-07:00

Went to Cal Poly SLO today.

Obviously college is definitely the place for me. it's far, clean, small, and packed with people who love it. i think i should get along fine there...excpet for the cows maybe. i have a feeleing if i get to go, i'll have an awesome experience. meet new people, get to know new lifestyles, awesome food, great places to go, despite it being in the middle of nowhere. finding out how fun it is just to hang out and chill. learning how to just chill and be happy! gotta beware of those potheads tho. "agriculture" they call it. well, that's that. there's more to it, but not for today. i'm going for now. ask me later, k? things will be better once i'm sure i'm going to this school too. tell me who you know that goes here! maybe i'll end up rooming with them.

peace out my homies.

2003-04-24T21:02:00.000-07:00

Nihilist Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

quizzes are great.

2003-04-23T22:58:00.000-07:00

I wish I could drive away to the sunset
Back to the day that we first met
Only believe the things I wrote
I'll put it in a note, yeah
I'll cross my t's and dot my i's
Better say hello, don't you dare say goodbye
I'll write sincerely yours and sign my name
P.S. I love you, forever and today
-The All-American Rejects

He is stark mad, whoever says,
That he has been in love one hour,
Yet not that love so soon decays,
But that it can ten in les space devour...

Yet nothing can to nothing fall,
Nor any place be empty quite,
Therefore i think my breast has all
Those pieces still, though they be not unite,
And now as broken glasses show
A hundred lesser faces so
My rags of heart can like, wish, and adore,
But after one such love, yours, can love no more.-John Donne

I think driving really helps me get my aggression out. i really love driving. despite it's boring-ness, which can be easily cured by music/CD player (or so i'm told), it really just helpes me drive it all away. hehe. need to drive more. watch out all you jettas.

2003-04-22T20:42:00.000-07:00

what is it about blogger? is it therapeutic? werd...

Anyway. today was pretty uneventful. well i did get a birthday present today, even if it was a little late. hahaha, it's all good tho, i like getting presents. i have my license too, like my present to myself. i did some tricky maneauvers today tho, kinda shady. i think i should practice more. :) driving is boring, but fun. weird, no? hahahaha. godamn. blogger is the most ingenious thing in the world. evanescence is really good, btw. i'm impressed by this interesting white girl who gets the most subtle emotions across with one voice. i think i wish i could sing like that. i think.

My parents have been on my ass lately. i think it's because they're leaving for a trip soon, and won't be able to watch me for about 10 days. (come over if you can) and i don't know exactly how to say this, but i'm HAPPY they're leaving. i'm HAPPY i'll be able to run the house and show them i'll be okay. i'm HAPPY to be able to take some responsibility and have a car too! and do the things i need to and WANT to and still be able to "live my life" the right way. i'm HAPPY dammit! happy enough to look at myself in the mirror and like it! to say that i will NOT fail this time, that i WILL do what is required of me, and no one will be the wiser. i want to show them i can keep my shit together, so that they'll know i care, and i have a heart, and my passions have motivation and i CAN get things done, withouth them hounding me. in FACT, i think i get things done MORE OFTEN and BETTER when they don't hound me! how hard is it to understand that caring too much is just as bad as not caring enough? i love my parents to death, especially my mom, but she lives her life entirely too much for me. i know it sounds unappreciatve, but it's the way things need to be. she needs to go away so i can grow up and give myself a chance to develop, and stop being such a kid.

Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep
This air is blessed, you share with me
This night is wild, so calm and dull
These hearts they race from self-control
Your legs are smooth as they graze mine
We're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me, so I die happy
My heart is yours, to fill or burst
to break or bury, or wear as jewelry
Which ever you prefer
-Dashboard Confessional

thank you for showing me true love and how to love truly...

2003-04-20T20:55:00.000-07:00

18 finally. nothing's changed...need to get my license tho. latz.

2003-04-10T22:06:00.000-07:00

it's that time again.

i'm extremely impressed by the degree to which so many people can trivialize and satirize the fact that we have midterms right now. it's actually quite enjoyable. despite the fact that no one else in any other school has the same stresses we do, or perhaps, similar, yet not to this degree, i'm quite bitter. i think this comedy about sharing outlines, swapping essays, bringing multi-colored markers to school, it's all very healthy. i really do love it. keep up the good work guys.

it's times like these that make me wish i were wittier, handsomer, and more interesting.

unfortunately none of these things are true. not to say i'm not any of these things at all, but of course, i have my days of inadequacy. self-criticism has it's ups and downs of course, and it makes me want to be...better. i am better. i enjoy my own half-assed attempts and eliciting laughter, controlling situations with speech, and staring men and women down to make them see the person behind the acne, oil, and glasses. i really wish i could see into the souls of other people too. wouldn't that be fun?

anyway, enough ranting and raving for now. i'll have to work my way back to the top of my own hit list before i ask for anyone elses. take it down a notch my friend, we're definitely not meeting our quotas today. latz, my ppl. it's that time again.

2003-04-08T21:00:00.000-07:00

I have a new cell. if you haven't noticed, i'm telling all you unobservant people now, i have a cell phone.

Latz ppl. i'll be seeing you.

2003-04-05T22:15:00.000-08:00

So quiet.
Another wasted night
The television steals the conversation.
Exhale.
Another wasted breath
again it goes unnoticed.

Please tell me you're just feeling tired,
cause if it's more than that I fear that I might break.
Out of touch. Out of time.
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed,
cause I can't read your rolling eyes.
Out of touch. Are we out of time?

Close lipped.
Another goodnight kiss
is robbed of all it's passion.
Your grip.
Another time is slack
it leaves me feeling empty.

Please tell me you're just feeling tired,
cause if it's more than that I feel that I might break.
Out of touch. Out of time
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed,
cause I can't read your rolling eyes.
Out of touch. Are we out of time?

I'll wait until tomorrow.
Maybe you'll feel better then,
maybe we'll be better then.
So what's another day
when I can't bear these nights of thoughts of going on without you?
This mood of yours is temporary.
It seems worth the wait to see you smile again.
Out of the corner of your eye
won't be the only way you're looking at me then.

So quiet.
Another wasted night
the television steals the conversation.
Exhale.
Another wasted breath
again it goes unnoticed.
-Dashboard Confessional

2003-04-04T23:20:00.000-08:00

if i could change i would
take back the pain i would
retrace every wrong move that i made i would
if i could
stand up and take the blame i would
if i could take all the shame to the grave i would
if i could change i would
take back the pain i would
retrace every wrong move that i made i would
if i could
stand up and take the blame i would
i would take all my shame to the grave
-Meteora

why is this album so good? linkin park touches my soul with words that pierce the infamiliarity and falsehood of the surface that i live on. it's so much easier to run, replacing this pain with something more...than face this pain knowing you're so alone. thanks to luis.

2003-04-03T18:49:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I...need to remember just to breathe
Sometimes I....need you to STAY AWAY FROM ME

i wish my moods went with the moon, maybe then i could blame something else besides my own shitty nature. but it doesn't. my moods come and go when they feel like, and i get dragged along. sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach, sometimes it makes me wanna smash something, sometimes it makes me free as a bird, sometimes it makes me smile until the cows come home. anyway, living on whims was never my style, having mood swings was never something i was good at. but now it seemes that i'm the best candidate for instability, and that everything and anything will change me, at any moment.

so go ahead, make my day. it's better than sitting around and doing nothing.

2003-04-02T21:05:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I need to remember just to breathe
Sometimes I need you to stay away from me
Sometimes I'm in disbelief, I didn't know
Somehow I need you to go

Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Don't stay

Sometimes I feel like I trusted you too well
Sometimes I just feel like screaming at myself
Sometimes I'm in disbelief, I didn't know
Somehow I need to be alone

Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Don't stay

I don't need you anymore
I don't want to be ignored
I don't need one more day
Of you wasting me away
I don't need you anymore
I don't want to be ignored
I don't need one more day
Of you wasting me away
With no appologies

Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Don't stay

Don't stay
Don't stay
-Meteora...

2003-04-01T20:05:00.000-08:00

job hunting is the most annoying thing in the world, especially when you relaly need a job. gotta get my head outta the toilet. gotta think straight. gotta understand that i have to compromise and i can't choose to do exactly what i want to do all the time. gotta be able to do more...

for some reason i still think i'm not in line with my life. i think my life is still unresolved, and that i stil have trouble handling my things. for the most part i really do think it's laziness, but maybe it's more than that. laziness is a broad, general term used to describe the fact that i don't like to do work. but there are times when i want to do work, and then i can't. i don't know where to start, i don't know what to say, think or do to even make it seem like i'm working. is that weird? maybe it isn't. still, naming the problem doesn't solve it, i need to know how to FIX my problems more than just being able to see them and admit to them. of course admitting to a problem is the first step to a solution, so they say.

still, i need to work. i'm applying for jobs at togo's, gamestop, maybe even robinson's may. gloria jean's if they hire me, but maybe they won't, since im a guy. hahaha. regardless, i need money to keep up my end of the deal. and to make my livelihood a little more "lively". latz yall.

2003-03-31T20:26:00.000-08:00

waddup my homies. a post in a long dry spell of no posts.

as most of you know, i've been grounded for the past month, or if you didn't know, now you know. as of now i have little to do so i'll spend my time posting on this blog right here. recently it has come to my attention taht i lack the will, or lack the ability, to do the things i so desperately need to do many times. is this true? i reall ydo think so. whether it is fear that holds me back, or just pure lazines i have little to say. maybe it's a combination of both. Still, i think it has alot to do with me. it is completely my fault, for better or worse. i know that this thought springs up because of college, but i'm sure if not now, then soon after this. I need to find my will to succeed, to do well, and to accomplish beyond what i don't like doing. perhaps God has the solution to my problem and perhaps i don't look for it. perhaps i've been spending too much time looking at myself for a solution, for the willpower, and it just isn't there. it just isn't. but i haven't paid enough attention to God to notice what he's shown me. i should. for now the only willpower i have for is my personal relationships. but that's not what the rest of the world sees. nor college, for that matter.

regardless, there's obviously alot of updating to do. in the past month not much has happened, mainly because i haven't been able to go out. but its all good, i have good friends and i've been able to keep up with despite my groundedness. i'm grateful. for all yall who put up with me. im very grateful. thank you. it's about time i started being more grateful and acting on it instead of being selfish and self-important. please God, help me grow.

latz.

2003-02-25T20:56:00.000-08:00

Giff essay comin up, means we r switching before i get a chance to settle accounts...gotta stop ditching too. i think she's catching on! oh well. werd up to mah home-dawgs that alwasy persuade me, i am NOT DITCHING DURING THE MONTH OF MARCH we can jus go to school late. watevz. adults are so unfair. sometimes. i hopw i don't become unfair when i grow up...as if. i think i'm growing up now. in less than 2 months im going to be 18! wonder what ima do for the special day...

2003-02-24T20:17:00.000-08:00

i ditched today, btw, if you were wondering where i was. im sure nobody was, cuz the only people that would care are the people i ditched with! except one maybe...but i had fun. we watched boyz n the hood, played some games, ate some fries. it was tight. all in all, a good day. can't wait til we can start going to school at 10:30! HELL YEAH!

No matter where life takes me to
I'll meet you there
And even if I need you here
I'll meet you there

I wish I could of told you
The things I kept inside
And now I guess it's just too late

So many things remind me of you
I hope that you can hear me
I miss you
This is goodbye, one last time
You're gone away
I'm left alone
A part of me is gone
And I'm not moving on
So wait for me
I know the day will come
I'll meet you there
-Simple Plan

2003-02-22T21:04:00.000-08:00

school sucks, but at least i have the weekends to look forward to. i'm getting better at bowling too, so all y'all better watch out now...

among other things..
college letters coming soon. i hope i get in to some of the colleges i applied to. god knows i deserve at least one(?) well, whatever. even if i don't get into any, possibly, i think i want to move out...need a job soon.

2003-02-20T19:11:00.000-08:00

i got my arm re-casted, so i guess all yall can write on it. i don't think' it'd be very clean tho, must warn you...an it hurts alot more now. put my finger in this crazy chinese finger trap thing and then yoinked on it for like 15 mins and i felt like my fingerwas gonna fall off. besides that it was pretty fun. some weird people work at the hospital, you never know who you'll meet there...

2003-02-19T21:38:00.000-08:00

She don't care about my car, and she don't care about my money
And that's real good 'cause I don't got a lot to spend
But if I did, it wouldn't mean nothin'

She likes me for me, not because I look like Tyson Beckford
With the charm of Robert Redford, oozing out my ears
But what she sees, are my faults and indecisions
My insecure conditions, and the tears upon the pillow that I shed

She likes me for me, not because I sing like Pavarotti
Or because I'm such a hottie, hah
I like her for her, not because she's phat like Cindy Crawford
She has got so much to offer
Why does she waste all her time with me
There must be something there that I don't see

She likes me for me, not because I'm tough like Dirty Harry
Make her laugh just like Jim Carey, unlike The Cable Guy
But what she sees, is that I can't live without her
My arms belong around her
And I'm so glad I found her once again
-Blessed Union of Souls

2003-02-18T19:31:00.000-08:00

how fucked up is that? who the fuck would do something twice, to the same, what are th odds? goddamn bastards. if i find out who the hell did that i swear, i will kick your asses. god...

sorry. i know all yall agree w/ me too. but some people are just fucked up. it's not because it was michelle that i'm pissed, but because it happened twice, the same way. inconsiderate bastards. i'm so sorry. wish i could have been there to help you..

don't worry, we'll get it back, and make CDs people! CDs!

2003-02-17T22:31:00.000-08:00

i can't wait to see you tomorow. seems the more time i spend with you the more i miss you when we're apart...but i have my reasons. we don't need their reasons. night.

2003-02-15T16:44:00.000-08:00

i had fun yesterday night! happy valentines too. playing ddr, watching a crappy movie, playing wordsearch and air hockey(especially w/ a busted hand), then beating ricky at boxing with one hand. i had lots of fun yesterday. happy valentines sweetie.

2003-02-13T20:19:00.000-08:00

no more today huh?

ah...life@home sucks. i really hate staying here now. but i think it's almost my fault, at least that's how my mom makes me feel about it. besides, it probably is, which means when i go, she'll be happy and i'll be happy. i wonder if God will be happy. or even if he'l let me out of here. probably not, teaching me lessons. of course. oh and btw, i now have to take a statistics class over the summer to make up for calc. how shitty is that! my own mistakes catching up to me again. who knows. maybe it is all my fault. woOt! i wish i could take the credit for it(and not feel shitty about it).

2003-02-12T22:13:00.000-08:00

StevesAlmName: if i had more time n money
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: this wouldn't be a problem
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: hahaha
StevesAlmName: hahah
StevesAlmName: oh tim
StevesAlmName: you silly goose
StevesAlmName: if i had more time and monay:
tim hsu wouldn't be askinng me to do this
-me and timothy hsu would go back to art box and buy the very very big mashimaro instead of the small one
-my algae eaters wouldn't die
-my computer wouldn't be made by a korean guy and it would work and i'd be able to install win xp and play good games
-i wouldn't be typing this quote for timothy hsu to copy because i would be driving my hummer off-road having fun, and tim hsu would probably be with me, so he wouldn't have asked me to do this in the first place

lol more more!